Things I Pretend to be Good At

golfing

1. Golfing

I used to take lessons but the truth is I’m awful. But what better way to get boys to like you than saying you’re good at playing golf? I’m sold.

2. U.S. History

Industrial Revolution? Of course I know when that started and why it affected so many Americans…

3. MLB stats

I’m constantly trying to beat my brother in “who knows more about major league baseball.” I’m confident in my claims which wins me a fight here and there – but in truth, I’m always making it up.

4. Singing

I love to critique The Voice contestants like I know what I’m talking about or that I could be any better – when in reality, I’m not even close.

5. Being a “foodie”

I like to sound smart and cultured by telling people how much I love foie gras and ceviche, but the truth is I hate it. Actually, the real truth is I’ve never tried those kinds of foods before. I just like people to think I have.

6. Hairstyling

I swear in a second life I was a cosmetologist. I LOVE doing hair, makeup, nails, etc. and I especially love doing those things on other people. So of course I’m going to talk myself up and convince my friends to leave their physical appearances in my un-trained hands.

7. Weigh lifting

I think it’s really cool when people can life a lot of weight. So I like to brag and say I can bench 70 lbs. Easy.

8. Painting nails

Often times I offer to paint people’s nails because I love it and find it oddly therapeutic. However, I am awful at it. Especially when I’m drunk. But you know what? I could care less how other people’s nails look, so I lie and say I’m good at it.

9. Artsy movies

I watched Blue Valentine and that’s about as far as my indie movie repertoire extends. But I would never really let anyone know that…

10. Politics

Who really knows what Joe Biden does every day? No one. How about Condoleeza Rice? I can’t even spell her name. And is she still part of the president’s cabinet thing? I love gays and that’s about all I know about politics.

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